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| i made this blog a little before the new year. to catch anyone whos interested in me up, heres a repost:
i cant remember the girl i was this time last year. i was a new college
graduate. dating a guy i thought i should marry whose family adored me,
who treated me like i was a princess. but i was searching. searching
for my place in life mostly. i couldnt find a job. in a relationship of
logic and convenience and telling myself it was ok, living back at home
with my dad and my brother. i couldnt possibly image what lied ahead
for me.
i have been through hell and back this year.
this guy i thought would be so great for me deceived me in ways i never thought possible. broke my spirit and my faith.
the
job i was finally given utilized nothing im capable of and was treated
like shit and underpaid to add insult to injury. i went on a seemingly
endless nine month quest for a job in which i begged, annoyed, and
tried to smile my way into any other position but the one i was in. God
forbid it even be one that had anything to do with either of the
degrees i had just got done busting my ass for. my dead end job was
killing me on the inside.
to relieve the heartache and emptiness
i started going out. i was only happy when i was out drinking. i dont
remember laughing or smiling or enjoying myself for a while unless i
was at a bar. or in my pool after being at the bar. i realized this and
kept it in check (social drinking only), but i knew things were bad.
i
went to church. i joined a church. i stopped going to church. still
searching. God is still where my heart turns when it's hurting, no
doubt.
i moved out on my own. i thrived and then i struggled. a lot.
i opened my very first savings account. i drained my entire savings down to $7.
i
moved into my dream apartment. the kind of place i honestly dreamed
about living in for years. it turned out to be a nightmare in which i
got woken up at 4 am to fire alarms being pulled and people partying so
loudly at 2 AM on a tuesday night that it sounded like they were in my
living room.
i was alone. i went to bed alone. i woke up alone. i fixed my dinner alone. i got a dog.
i bounced from boy to boy. playing their game or mine, it really didnt matter. i was usually drinking anyway. still searching.
i met a new boy i thought would be my saving grace. i had my heart broken. shattered. without warning. i recovered.
i
realized i have some really shitty "friends." ones who brag about the
good things in their life instead of sharing them with you. ones who
complain about themselves when youre already sad. ones who dont return
calls or texts.
but in order to be through hell and back there
has to be a back, as there has been plenty of hell. and there has been
lots of "back"
i met good people. joined an amazing church that
although i havent been there since july, i know will be waiting for me
with open arms when im ready. those people prayed for me and encouraged
me when i let them.
by being in a bad relationship i realized
my worth. im worth so much. i deserve so much. had i not gone through
that, id probably still be laying in bed crying about the most recent
heartbreak.
i found an AMAZING job. one where i do get to
"communicate." one that makes me feel wanted and important. with 4 of
the greatest guys ive ever met. ones who let me cry when my boyfriend
breaks up with me at work and just give me a hug and offer to do
anything if they can. guys who tell me how awesome i am and offer to
make me coffee when im stressed out and make me awards. i fell valued
again.
i taught kids. kids who loved me and asked about me after i left. i miss them.
i
met new friends. friends who brought me happy meals and ben &
jerrys when i was sad. i maintained older friends i thought i had lost.
i had people come through for me this year in ways i didnt expect. i
felt loved, even at my worst.
my grandfathers health improved enough for him to be home.
i stopped going out. i stopped feeling the need to drink to enjoy myself and therefore quit embarressing myself and others. haha
though
i havent been happy with making ends meet, the important part is i
have. i havent fallen on my face. im not in a ton of debt. im not
behind on my bills. i did it.
i learned so so so much.
my
job makes me hopful for the new year. my new apartment makes me hopeful
for the new year. the friends who have been through the fire with me
this year help me know ill make it through whatever hardships i cant
foresee in the year to come.
i wish for smoother sailing. i wish
for more financial stability. i wish to not have to attend anymore
funerals. i wish for love of all kinds.
im ready to put this
year behind me. im ready to start over again. with everything. im tired
of finding reminders of the past year everywhere. i was so many girls
this year. im ashamed of too many of them to call them all versions of
myself. im still diverse, id just rather not think of myself as the
type of person who has to drink to be happy or who stays in a dead end
relationship. maybe ill always be search. i mean, if the search is
over, youre dead right? i still have a lot of life to live, thats for
sure. im ready to turn the page and start a new chapter.
*since i posted this, i continue to be in a better place every day than i was the day before. im happy for sure. things are good.
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| who breaks up with someone while theyre are work? come on
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| i cant believe i havent written since september. i like xanga so much better than myspace, but no one reads this anymore. and though i write for myself, i also like knowing that someone else will read it. otherwise i could just make everything private, huh?
but yes im alive and well. i adore my job. im the only girl there and its amazing. i like guys so much better than girls. they make me laugh all the time. my job makes me happy and its rewarding and i dont feel like im just stuck at this dead end anymore. its great. the owner and my boss are both 27. theyre ambitious and driven and its so refreshing.
and i must say im looking forward to our Christmas party. its at superior steak house, one of those places that like $75 for two drinks and an appetizer, reservation only, type places. ive always wanted to go there. and now i have the perfect reason to wear that black dress thats been sitting in my closet with the tags on it. and the owner said something today about maybe "arranging for transportation" which could likely mean a limo would be involved and since ive never been in one of those either, that makes me extra excited.
besides the new job, theres a new boy in my life. perfectly unpredictable relationship. he bought me roses :) no one ever bought me flowers before. he makes a point to take care of me, which is hard and refreshing all at the same time. im stubborn and independent and not used to having someone do anything for me, but its nice that he does. he even opens my car door when im driving. which ill be doing more of as we think his car it totaled now. after we left my apartment this weekend on our way to go ice skating, someone backed into us while we were sitting at a red light. as in, the person in front of us, decided to back up. it was crazy. everyone was fine, it just sucks to be out of a car, especially at Christmas time.
and i have a dog too, i dont know if i updated that or not, but i got him in september. his name is Mr. B (not my choice). someone was giving him away, hes 3 years old. part beagle, part spitz. hes adorable, but very odd. he reminds me of lorelai gilmore's dog because of all his oddness. like when i got him, he would only eat food i handed him, nothing out of a food bowl. and he wouldnt walk up stairs, but he would walk down them. i broke him of the stairs and not eating out of a bowl, but he still howls with fire trucks and gets bent out of shape if the ground is wet and freaks out if you come near him with something in your hand. he has no interest in toys and doesnt play fight or anything. he just chills. and wants you to pet him a lot. oh, and i can make him dance in a circle. he can stand up on his hind legs and balance forever. but thats the extent of his tricks.
well, time to go get casey. i think he wants to try to find that 10000 holiday cash thing tonite, haha.
miss you guys!
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| found a new job yesterday, start monday. one more day at the law firm, woo hoo!!
i get to see him tomorrow :)
im up way too late, better go get my laundry and go to bed.
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| ive decided, i suck at dating. i dont like myself when i meet new people. i cant tell you how many new guys ive gone out with since matt (5ish), a few ive been excited about, a few i havent. but dating is so awkward. and it makes me so insecure. should i contact him, or not. too much, not enough? does he like me? is he just being nice? am i just being insecure? is he not really looking for a relationship?
so frustrating. and yet, so new and exciting. gah.
basically, i met this new guy...whos like the guy version of me (we have different interests, but our personalities are so alike). and im trying to second guess everything to death. i dont like being insecure! haha
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